"The Unbearable Lightness of Being John Malkovich" - a womanizing Czech surgeon flees the Russian invasion by going through a doorway into John Malkovich's head.

Il Postino/The Postman - Pablo Neruda comes to post-apocalypse America and teaches Kevin Costner the true meaning of poetry.

The Killing Field of Dreams

It Happened One Night of the Living Dead

One Fine Day of the Triffids

I Know What you Did Last Summer of '49

All That Jazz Singer

My Fair Ladyhawk

-- Salvatore "Sam" Falco <>

*****

"Snow Day Fight Club" - a young man trapped in his job finds meaning through secret snowball fights with young children. Chris Elliot stars as the plow guy.

"American Beauty and the Beast" - The beast quits his job and struggles with a mid-life crisis.

"American Pi" - a mathematician, obsessed with Pi, makes a pact with his fellow scientists to help each other finally get laid.

"The Joy Fight Club" - A group of Chinese-American women learn about love, laughter, and themselves when they start beating each other to a pulp in basements.

"The Remains of the Day of the Triffids" - A poignant tale of two triffids who find themselves by finding each other.

"A Room With a View to a Kill" - A period piece in which a young Englishwoman experiences Silicon Valley while helping Christopher Walken take over world - and only James Bond can stop her!

"The Man Who Would Be King Ralph" - A pair of ne'er do wells sets out to set a fat American on the throne of Kafiristan, with comic results.

"Fight Club Paradise" - Brad Pitt and Ed Norton beat Robin Williams, Mary Gross, and Rick Moranis up in the basement of a Caribbean resort.

"Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Fight Club Band" - Based on the Beatles album, a group of travelling musicians fight each other in basements for the benefit of Mr. Kite.

"For the Boyz N the Hood" - Bette Midler and James Caan are USO performers, singing for the veteran gang-banger youths in L.A.

"The Sixth Sense & Sensibility" - a young woman in England tries to find the perfect man who can see dead people.

"The Man Without a Face/Off" - A young boy befriends a scarred psychotic FBI Agent Latin tutor with a hidden past, a pair of .45s, and someone else's face!

"Star Wars Episode I: Phantom Menace II Society" - Young Obi-Wan Kenobi and O-Dog find a young Tattoine ghetto hustler strong in the Force. Together confront the brutal reality of ghetto life in LA and fight an invading army of robots!

"A Bridge Too Far and Away" - A poor Irishman and a rich landlord's daughter flee Ireland - and airdrop into Arnhem to seize the bridge across the Rhine!

"Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Low" - Toshiro Mifune, Sean Penn, and Jennifer Jason Lee star in this teen comedy about high school, sex, and friendship. Witness their hijinks as Mifune's chauffer's son is kidnapped when he is mistaken for Mifune's own son!

"Throne of Blood Simple" - A man schemes to seize the throne he has been denied by fate, with the help of a P.I. he has hired to kill the wife who inspired his power grab - and her lover!

"The Year of Living Johnny Dangerously" - no, sorry, I can't do it!

"From Dusk to Zulu Dawn" - Vampires and Zulus smash the a column of British soldiers at Isandhlwana.

"What About Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice?" - A wacky quartet of would-be swingers follow their therapist on vacation.

"Three Days of the Condorman" - A cartoonist is on the run from the CIA - and he doesn't know why! To escape death, he turns himself into a comic-book superhero.

"Twelve Angry Men and a Baby" - A panel of jurors must decide the fate of a man, all while raising a baby none of them are prepared for! Starring Tom Selleck, Henry Fonda, and Steve Gutenburg.

"Race For Your life, Jackie Brown!" - Animated by Charles Shultz, Charlie Brown and his gun-running buddies must outwit the police and win the big camp river race.

"The Spanish Prisoner of Zenda" - King Rudolph of Ruritania switches places with a look alike commoner who has been framed for murder and conned out of his plan to make Ruritania rich!

"Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey to the Center of the Earth" - Whoa Dudes! Two totally excellent adventurers, Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Theodore Logan journey to the center of the earth to help a righteous babe rescue find her father!

"Saving Private Ryan's Daughter" - A group of veteran Army Rangers, accompanied by an Irish village idiot, must rescue Rosy Ryan from Irish revolutionaries during the bloody hell of Ireland's Dingle Peninsula tavern at lunchtime.

(...I would have done "Saving Private Benjamin" but Mike and the 'bots beat me to it.)

"Hell in the South Pacific" - Lee Marvin and Toshiro Mifune star as enemies forced to cooperate to survive - and to sing! - in the musical comedy about the tragedy of war and inhumanity of romance!

(This one does not quite fit the formula...)

"Episode I: The Phantom Who Shagged Me" - Obi-Wan must travel back in time to recover The Force, which has been stolen from him by the Evil Darth Maul.

(Okay, not really a movie, but:)

"The King and I, Claudius" - The King of Siam gets a tutor for his children - future emperor of Rome Claudius. They strike up an unlikely friendship - and sing lots of songs - as court intrigue wipes out the enemies of the Augustan dynasty. (Reviewers note - watch for the performance of 'Uncle Vercingtorix's Cabin')

-- Peter V. Dell'Orto <>

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"The Ghost and Mrs Doubtfire" - The ghost of an old sea captain enters a bittersweet romantic relationship with a man who rents his old home dressed as a woman.

-- David Morgan-Mar <>

**********

Freaky Friday the 13th: Jason and Mrs. Vorhees switch places for one day. Oddly, it's still a standard slasher flick with two killers. Superman on the Moon: Jim Carrey stars as the Man of Steel, the most misunderstood comic genius of our time. The Academy snubs him again.

The Neverending Story of Us: Focuses on the on-again/off-again relationship of a man and woman who may only see each other through a sort of magical "cyberspace" reachable only by reading the book with the Orin Symbol on the cover. Cameos by the Luck Dragon and the Rock Biter.

Tom & Jerry McGuire: Tom Cruise becomes the agent of a homicidal cat and ends up rediscovering himself in the process. "Show me the anvil!"

An American Tale from the Crypt: Fievel and family hole up in the wrong house and end up being chased by a mummified corpse voiced by Buster Bunny. Mayhem involving meat grinders, chainsaws, and pencil sharpeners ensues.

Journey to the Red Planet of the Apes: Mankind's first manned mission to Mars unearths startling evidence that someone beat us there -- chimps and orangs, to be exact. Charlton Heston plays Dr. Zaius.

The Babysitters' Fight Club - A group of young girls experience the foibles or pre-teenhood (finding a boyfriend, learning to wear makeup, having your first "emergency") while starting a babysitting business and beating each other to a pulp in a basement.

First Wives Fight Club -- Three divorcees meet together and act out their anger at their loser husbands by beating each other to a pulp in a basement.

The Blair Witch Project X -- A film student (Matthew Broderick) and two chimps get lost in the woods while filming an Air Force training video. Lots of chimp's eye view, as one of the apes is in charge of the camera.

The Land Before A Time to Kill -- All hell breaks loose in the Pleistocene when a Threehorn father kills two Longnecks who raped his daughter. Attorney Littlefoot must defend the man against all odds.

The Mighty Howard the Ducks -- A team of hockey-playing ducks from outerspace land in little league and go on to the championships. Emilio Estevez reprises the role of coach once again.

The Empire Strikes Backdraft -- Vader whips the Imperial stormtroopers into lean, mean firefighters. The Empire then assaults the Fire planet Hot, forcing the Rebels to evacuate their base.

All Reservoir Dogs Go to Heaven -- Animated film about a team of canine criminals. When they *all* die in a bloody massacre, they steal their "soul clocks" and return to earth on borrowed time. Starring the voices of Burt Reynolds, Dom DeLuise, and Samuel L. Jackson.

Oh, Godzilla! -- A man comes into contact with the Creator of all -- a giant, fire-breathing lizard from Japan.

A Bug's Life of Brian -- Adventures of the insect who would be Messiah.

It's a Wonderful Lifeforce -- A space vampire learns the true meaning of Christmas by flashing back to her past. Unfortunately, most of it takes place in suspended animation.

Lifeforce of Brian -- A space vampire comes to Earth and lands on the day Jesus is born. He then follows the Messiah about trying to bite Him but is *mistaken* for Him instead.

Dirty Dances with Wolves -- A dance instructor takes a sojourn to the American West and teaches the Indians how to *get down*.

-- Brian C. Smithson <>

**********

Ferris Beuller's Daylight -- A teenager skips school to hang with his friends, but finds himself trapped in a New York city tunnel with only Sylvester Stalone to save him...

-- Barry Cooper <>

**********

North by South Park - adapted from a screenplay by Alfred Hitchcock by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, four young boys from a small mountain town are mistaken for four escaped Canadian fugitives, and are on a run for their lives after one of them is assassinated.

Apt Daddy - Adam Sandler adopts a young child who turns out to be a Nazi war criminal in disguise.

-- Josh Marquart <>

**********

Dad's Army of Darkness-- Ash helps the British Home Guard fight off an army of Nazi death zombies out to invade Warrington-by-the-Sea.

Night Eyes Wide Shut -- A security guard finds out about a strange cult and gets involved in their erotic activities.

Die Hard Boiled -- Bruce Willis. Chow Yun Fat. Two maverick cops, a whole lot of guns. Do you need any further explanation?

-- Rob Lim <>

**********

"Prelude to a Kiss Before Dying Young" -- Husband notices strange changes in his new bride, whose twin sister is a nurse being stalked by a murderous leukemia patient. Hastily tacked-on happy ending leaves many plot threads dangling.

"Tender is the Night of the Lepus" -- Psychiatrist DeForest Kelley drinks a lot, saves a Southern town from killer rabbits.

"Twilight's Last Gleaming the Cube" -- Skateboarder Christian Slater is the only one who can stop mad general Burt Lancaster from starting World War Three.

"Regarding Henry V" -- British King (Harrison Ford) is injured at Agincourt, wakes up a much nicer guy.

"Shaft in Africa Screams" -- Richard Roundtree in a update of the Abbott and Costello classic.

"Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead Again" -- Obsession, reincarnation, and a vengeful mob boss (Christopher Walken) make trouble for a detective (Kenneth Branagh).

"Voyage to the Planet of the Prehistoric Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown" -- Badly-dubbed Russian astronauts go to Venus and get mixed up with a Spanish actress and her complicated love life.

"All Quiet on the Western Front Page" -- Fast-talking newsman discovers the horrors of WWI.

"Girls! Girls! Girls, Interrupted!" -- Singing fisherman falls for a girl pretending to be insane. Hilarity ensues.

"I Am Curious, Yellow Submarine" -- Swedish "sex researcher" goes to Pepperland.

"I Am Curious, Blue Velvet" -- Swedish "sex researcher" goes to the Pacific Northwest, finds an ear, and meets a sadist with an oxygen fetish.

"A Streetcar Named Desire Under the Elms" -- Southern belle comes to stay with her sister and abusive brother-in-law, has affair with stepson. Hilarity ensues.

-- Steven Howard <>

**********

"Innocent Captain Blood" - an ex-doctor leads a slave revolt in the Caribbean, establishes himself as a pirate, and falls in love with the governor's daughter - who turns out to be a vampire.

"Father of the Princess Bride"

"The Empire of the Ants Strikes Back"

"In the Heat of A Night at the Opera"

-- Chris Camfield <>

**********

The Island of Dr. Strangelove, or How I Quit Worrying, and Learned To Love Genetically-Altered Animals -- A dark comedic romp, following the antics of the good Doctor (Peter Sellers) as he tries to take over the world with fluid-obsessed, jingoistic, B-52-flying animal hybrids.

The Great Escape from New York -- An all-star cast (with Steve McQueen, James Garner, Kurt Russell, Charles Bronson, Ernest Borgnine, and Donald Pleasance (in two roles)) plots to bust out of a Nazi prison camp so they can save the captive President.

Demon Knight Rider 2000 -- Billy Zane stars as a demonic Michael Knight, using his amazing car KITT to track down the key of the Ancients.

"The Breakfast Fight Club" - A coming-of-age story in which five teens deal with the angst of middle class white suburban high school by beating each other to a pulp in the basement during a day-long detention session.

The Magnificent Seven Brides for Seven Samurai - An Oriental Western musical, this genre-hopping smash hit stars Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson, James Coburn, Takashi Shimura, Toshirô Mifune, Yoshio Inaba, Seiji Miyaguchi, Richard Dean Anderson, Peter Horton, Joan Kjar, and River Phoenix (as Guthrie McFadden). Co-directed by Akira Kurosawa and John Sturges. When the McFadden boys returned from Japan, they found that their peaceful hacienda in Mexico was being menaced by a ruthless gang of bandits. With six-guns blazing, katana flashing, and book and libretto by Benet, Hackett, Goodrich, and Kingsley, this is story puts the "bun" back in asobihanbun!

-- Owen S. Kerr <>

**********

"The Godfather of the Bride" -- Every time Steve Martin tries to get away from these wedding plans, they keep pulling him back in. Features Martin Short's severed head.

"Close Encounters of the Sixth Sense" -- Little boy sees dead aliens.

"It Happened One Night to Remember" -- Ellie Andrews has just tied the knot with society aviator King Westley when her father whisks her away on the Titanic.

"His Gal Friday the Thirteenth" -- An editor of a major Chicago newspaper loses his ace reporter and former wife to an insurance salesman, causing him to don a hockey mask and wield a bloody axe!

"Bringing Up Three Men and a Baby" -- Three bachelors have their lives turned upside down when someone abandons a leopard in their loft.

"Sling Blade Runner" -- A man released from a psychiatric hospital where he has been hospitalized since the age of 12 becomes a policeman of the future who hunts down replicants, their mothers and their mothers' lovers.

"Uncle Buck Privates Come Home" -- Bud Abbott and John Candy are GIs heading home from Europe, with Candy's niece hidden in his duffel bag.

"The Maltese Falcon and the Snowman" -- As Sam Spade investigates the murder of his partner, he encounters a host of strange characters after spy named "Snowman" with a statue of a falcon reputed to hold sensitive government materials wanted by the Soviets.

"The Fox and the Hound of the Baskervilles" -- a demonic hound stops chasing its childhood fox friend in order to wreak supernatural revenge on the family of Sir Henry Baskerville.

"Schindler's List of Adrian Messenger" -- Schindler saved them, but now they're mysteriously dying one by one.

-- C. J. Burke <>

*********

"The Lawnmower Man of La Mancha"

"The Phantom Menace of the Opera"

"The Fiddler on a Hot Tin Roof"

"This is Spinal Taps"

"Beauty and the Beastmaster"

-- Jim Weeks <>

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"A Stagecoach Named Desire" - Marlon Brando stars as a working class city dweller stuck in a long cross-country journey. (This one may have been done, but I've lost track of all of the titles that have been used.)

"On the Waterfront Beach" - One man's courageous fight to prevent Mafia control of a post-apocalyptic world.

"Raging Bull Durham" - Robert DeNiro beats up Kevin Costner. What more could you want?

"Shall We Dance with Wolves?" - To cope with stress in his dead end life, a Japanese businessman takes a trip to the American west.

"The Cabinet of Doctor Zhivago" - A horror movie with breadth, depth, and a cast of thousands.

"Bob & Carol & Beavis & Butthead" - The animated duo finally get some! Or so they hope.

"How to Beat the High Cost of Living Dangerously" - Three suburban housewives hire Mel Gibson to help them steal their way out of a boring existence.

"Guess Who's Coming to My Dinner with Andre" - Sidney Poitier crashes the marathon talkathon.

"Cannonball Run, Lola, Run" - Burt Reynolds picks up a young German hitchhiker with a lot of cash, but can he beat Sammy Davis, Jr. and Jackie Chan to the finish?

"Go Tell It to the Spartacus" - Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas team up in this masterpiece dedicated to the follies of war.

"The Thin Blue Line Between Love and Hate" - A hard hitting documentary on how misconduct in the Texas police leaves us with so many bad acting performances.

"House Party on Haunted Hill" - Uhm, no, even I can't pretend that I have anything clever to say about this one.

"Roman Polanski's Ice Pirates" - This time it's in space. With Ribert Urich.

"Twelve Monkeys, Four Weddings and a Funeral" - Bruce Willis must go back in time to prevent Andie McDowell from marrying the wrong man and causing Armageddon. But, honestly, could Hugh Grant really be the right guy?

"Robin Hood: Prince of Egypt" - Two, count 'em, two movies worth of historical anachronisms and literary shreddings in one!

"How Stella Got Her Groove Back to the Future"

"Rain Man of Alcatraz"

"Lost Weekend at Bernie's"

"The Postman Only Rings Once Upon a Time in America"

"Knute Rockne: All American Graffitti"

-- J. Michael Neal <>

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Pitch Black Adder -- Rowan Atkinson stars as the anemic heir to the British throne who must use his cybernetically enhanced eyesight to save his people from terrible creatures that go bump in the night.

Aliens: Insurrection -- Ripley's observation of a rustic planet is disrupted when Bishop suffers from a bizarre malfunction. The crew of the Nostradamus must save paradise from a band of alien outlaws with nerves of steel and acid for blood. The prize: the secret of eternal life and endless sequel profits.

The 3rd Rock -- John Lithgow and Sean Connery star in this offbeat buddy comedy about an extraterrestrial soldier and an elegant british ex-con trying to save San Francisco for an alien invasion.

The Full Monty Python and the Holy Grail -- The brave Sir Robin flees in terror when Gawaine drops his trousers.

Dances with Lone Wolf and Cub -- After losing his family to a savage indian attack, a bitter ronin declares war on a peaceful Lakotah tribe in the 19th century American frontier. The tribe's only hope is a single neurotic U.S soldier standing between them and the "babycart assassin". Can the soldier unravel the secrets of the mysterious Tatonka in time to save the tribe? Starring Kevin Costner and Toshiro Mifune.

Outlander -- Sean Connery stars as an immortal western lawman mysteriously transported to an asteroid mining colony. Can he solve the mystery of the dying miners or will he too lose his head?

Outlander: the series -- John Rhys-Davies stars as an immortal western lawman mysteriously transported to an asteroid mining colony. Can he solve the mystery of the week, defeat the villian of the week, and bed the babe of the week without losing his head?

-- Matt Downer <>

*****

Muppet Treasure Island of Dr. Moreau -- A mad scientist's efforts to force-evolve Muppets into humans hits a snag when a boatload of pirates land on the island. Thrilling final confrontation scene between Tim Curry and Val Kilmer.

Soylent Green Mile -- Tom Hanks stars as the warden of a food-processing plant in which criminals are executed and turned into nutritious snacks.

The Hunt for Red October Skies -- A group of young dreamers get together and build their own nuclear submarine, which is then stolen.

Apollo 13th Warrior -- Antonio Banderas and a band of Vikings are the only ones who can save a doomed lunar mission.

The Mask / of Zorro -- a youth with a disfiguring condition leaves his mother and her biker boyfriend to learn swordplay from Anthony Hopkins, seduce Catherine Zeta-Jones, and save Mexico from tyranny.

The Lion King in Winter -- Mufasa and Sarabi spend Christmas arguing over which of their children should inherit the Aquitane.

Dirty Dancing Rotten Scoundrels -- two con men compete to see which of them can turn a shy girl into a dance champion.

The Madness of King George of the Jungle -- the royal court goes bananas when His Majesty starts swinging from vines in a loincloth.

Clash of the Titanic -- Andromeda and her mother Cassiopea are taken on a cruise by Calibos (Billy Zane), but when Andromeda falls for a lower-class hunk instead, the Kraken rises from the deeps to destroy the ship.

Priscilla, Queen of the Damned -- the vampire Lestat goes into the entertainment business, as part of a traveling drag roadshow in the outback.

Runaway Bride of Frankenstein -- Victor Frankenstein tries to figure out why Julia Roberts keeps leaving his creations at the altar.

-- Christine Morgan <>

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An American Grafiti Tale: Fivel rides on cruisers cars while searching for his family. Highpoints include a drag race and Fivel *not* singing.

Empire of the Sun Strikes Back: Adventures of a child accidentally left behind on Hoth.

My Fair Lady and the Tramp: Henry Higgins tries to turn a scruffy mutt into a champion showdog.

The Money Pit and the Pendulum: the spirit of Torquemada drives yuppie couple insane while destroying their fixer-upper.

-- Leon Stauffer <>

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"A Hard Day's Night of the Living Dead" - The Fab Four must defend themselves against a horde of zombies assaulting the Royal Albert Hall.

"The Mouse on the Moontrap" - The little country of Grand Fenwick launches a wine powered rocket to the moon, only to find it inhabited by ravenous cybernetic killing machines.

"Blue Velvet Thunder" - Roy Scheider pilots a deadly helicopter against his old Vietnam nemesis, Dennis Hopper. With Kyle McClaughlin as Jafo.

"Singing in the Hard Rain" - During a massive flood in 1920's Hollywood, Gene Kelly must stop a group of ruthless bank robbers.

-- Royce Day <>

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